


Say It To Me Now

by citation (WannaDay)



Series: the story of ponyo & gudetama [2]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, College, Elimination Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, but there is also, im sorry, still sad because jaehwan didn't sign a contract with starship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WannaDay/pseuds/citation
Summary: Moments of Kim Jaehwan and Jung Sewoon before, throughout, and after Produce 101.(Sequel toDon't Misunderstand, but can be read as a stand-alone story.)





	Say It To Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> the mood for this story is [Sewoon's cover of Glen Hansard's _Say It To Me Now_](https://youtu.be/W6l9K_sW-MQ?t=7s)
> 
> note: I wrote this story before the announcement that Jaehwan signed a contract with CJ E&M. So... um... yeah you'll see at the end of the story :")

 

 

A couple days before the start of Produce 101’s recording, Jaehwan and Sewoon went to Gunsan together. They visited campus, met with their classmates, and walked down familiar hallways. They took a small stroll through the city, seeing familiar sights. Afterwards they went to the café where Jaehwan used to work, where he wanted to give his thanks to the owner for taking such good care of him.

 

By the time they walked out the café doors, night had already fallen. The air was cold. Despite wearing thick jackets, they had their arms around each other’s shoulders for body heat.

They came across an old playground and sat on the swings. They had been here months ago, sitting on the same swings, side by side.

Minutes passed as they just stared at the sky, both lost in their own thoughts.

Jaehwan was the first to speak.

“So this is it, huh?”

Sewoon nodded slowly. “This is it.”

“I still can’t believe we’re going on a survival show together.”

“Me neither.”

“This is crazy.”

Sewoon turned to look at his friend. Jaehwan had a small smile on his face, his fingers holding tightly onto the swing.

 _His hands are shaking,_ Sewoon realized after a couple seconds. _And it’s not because of the cold._

“We’ll be okay, hyung,” he decided to say. “Everything will be okay.”

“Yeah.” Jaehwan was grateful for the comfort. He seemed to calm himself down. “I thought that I was ready to face it all but… the closer we get to the first day of Produce, the more nervous I get.”

“We’ll be okay,” Sewoon repeated. “Trust me.”

“I trust you, Jung Sewoon. I’ve always trusted you.”

The younger of the two smiled. “Truthfully, I’m also nervous. But it’s okay. We’ll be nervous together.”

Jaehwan laughed, and the smile on Sewoon’s face grew brighter.

Another few seconds passed.

“Sewoonie.”

“Yes, hyung?”

“Do you remember, months ago, when it snowed for the first time? We were at campus and we stood in front of our department building for a bit, just staring at the sky.”

“I remember.” Wondering where the conversation was going, Sewoon remembered the snowflakes in Jaehwan’s hair, the slightly wistful look in his eyes. It felt like such a long time since that day.

“At that moment, I was going to say something to you. But I decided not to.”

“I’ve always wondered what you wanted to say.” And it was true, Sewoon had always been curious. Jaehwan had tried to convince him that it was nothing. Sewoon knew better than that.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Jaehwan said, his voice quiet. “A lot of things ran in my mind. A lot of thoughts. At that moment, I was just thinking that… that everything was so _peaceful_ that day.”

 _“What if every day was as peaceful as this?”_ Sewoon recalled. “I remember you asking me that.”

“You have a good memory,” Jaehwan commented with a smile. “But yeah, I did ask you that.”

“I didn’t know how to answer.”

“It’s okay. I’d be the same if you asked me the same question.”

“But after that, you wanted to tell me something. But you stopped.”

“I just wanted to say what was on my mind.” Jaehwan blew warm air into the palm of his hands. “Everything was really peaceful… And at that moment, I thought of how nice it’d be if every day was like that.”

Sewoon was silent. Jaehwan continued.

“But a part of me yearned for something. And that something wouldn’t allow such peacefulness to last.”

“And that ‘something’ is…?”

“Something that you and I want.” Jaehwan had a sort of sad smile on his face. “Something that everyone at our vocal major wants. It’s to sing. To sing and be heard by as many people as possible.”

Sewoon nodded. “We all dream the same thing.”

“Yeah.” Jaehwan was gripping hard onto the swing’s chains again.  “It’s cliché and everyone thinks about this but… at that moment while I stared at our department building, I was just wondering about the future. About what’ll happen after graduation. We’re all singing with all of our hearts in college but after that… What will happen?”

Sewoon would be lying if he said that he never thought about the same things.

Jaehwan was getting emotional as he talked. “And I kept on thinking about it. I want to be a singer. It’s been my dream ever since I was little.  I want to work doing what I love to do. But the closer we got to graduation, the more scared I become. Will I really be a singer? Will I be successful? Will I be making enough money to support my parents?” There was a slight tremble in his voice. Sewoon reached over and wrapped an arm around his friend’s shoulders, the seats of their swings now touching.

Sewoon had visited Jaehwan’s house before. It was simple and small. Jaehwan didn’t even have his own room. He shared one with his parents, but he never complained about it. He also did his best to save and make money, which was why he worked part-time whenever he could. All of that he did with a smile, which Sewoon found admirable.

Jaehwan wanted to buy a new house for his parents. Sewoon knew how much his friend wanted that.

“I thought that after winning _God’s Voice,_ I’d be walking on the flower road,” Jaehwan said, small smile still on his face. “I thought a lot of offers would be flooding towards me after that. I thought at least some companies would want me. Turns out, life isn’t that easy.”

“But being a trainee at an entertainment company doesn’t guarantee anything,” Sewoon said softly. “Even if it’s a big company.”  Even after months of training at Starship Entertainment, Sewoon still had his own fear and doubts.

“You’re right,” Jaehwan said. “But it might be better than not being in a company at all.”

Sewoon couldn’t argue with that logic. “Those companies are gonna regret not rushing towards you when you won _God’s Voice_.”

“You’re too nice, Sewoonie.”

“You’re hoping that Produce 101 will be different,” Sewoon said. It was a statement, not a question.

Jaehwan nodded. “I.O.I did so well. They were phenomenal.”

“They really were.” Sewoon wanted to be like his labelmate, Yeonjung. She was years younger than him but he would always look at her in awe. “I think the company is expecting a lot from me. It’s quite a lot of pressure.”

“Starship is lucky to have you. You’ll do more than great.” Jaehwan reached over and ruffled Sewoon’s hair. “Remember that you’ll be the best CEO ever.”

“ _You’re_ too nice, hyung.”

They both laughed.

“It’d be amazing to be in the Top 11,” Jaehwan said.

“We’ll debut,” Sewoon said, and he gave his friend’s shoulder a small squeeze. “We will.”

The tension in Jaehwan’s body seemed to decrease significantly.  The older of the two let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks. I’m sorry we ended up talking about sad stuff because of me.”

“Don’t say that, hyung,” Sewoon said. “I also needed to let out steam. I had a lot of stuff on my mind and I finally got to say them all now.”

Jaehwan was looking right at him. They were both smiling now.

“I feel much better now,” Sewoon continued. “So you’re welcome and thank _you._ ”

“Jung Sewoon, _you’re welcome_.” Jaehwan smiled brightly before he kicked off the ground and started swinging.

Sewoon quickly retracted his hand and watched his friend, who was getting higher and higher.

In fact, Jaehwan was swinging so high that Sewoon was afraid he’d fall off. He opened his mouth, beginning to say, “Careful, hyung—”

But then Jaehwan let go.

The younger of the two watched his friend soar across the air.

Jaehwan was yelling at the top of his lungs, _“DEBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT—”_

It felt like time stopped at that moment. Jaehwan, with his arms stretched out as if he was flying; Sewoon, eyes wide in horror and absolute worry.

Then Jaehwan landed neatly and safely on his feet, skidding for a bit before coming to a stop.

Sewoon let out the breath he’d been holding.

Just how many times was Kim Jaehwan going to give him a mini heart attack? Sewoon wanted to smack his friend on the head but held himself back. Jaehwan had whirled around to look him straight in the eye, face flushed with excitement.

“We’re going to debut!” Jaehwan announced, hands on hips. “You and I! Together! I’ll be by your side when that happens. And I want you to be right beside me.”

Sewoon stared at his friend in amazement for a good ten seconds before he burst out laughing. There wasn't anything particularly funny, really _—_   he was just so touched. By the time he calmed himself down, Jaehwan was still grinning and waiting for an answer.

“Yes, hyung,” Sewoon finally said, wiping a tear from his eye. He had laughed so hard. “Let’s debut together.”

And then without warning, Jaehwan rushed forwards and tackled him with a mighty hug, causing the both of them to fall off the swings and onto the ground.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Everything was going well at first.

They did their introduction videos, both using guitars comfortably. Then they did the legendary _meringue time_ , and Jaehwan had to endure Sewoon’s endless teasing for a whole week ( _“Hyung, you_ do _know that meringue is the egg whites, right?”  “Hyung, I know that you look like Gudetama, but we’re not supposed to use the egg yolks.”)_

Afterwards the staff thought it would be interesting for them to do the hidden box challenge together. Jaehwan got the answer correctly and was determined to use the opportunity to show his vocal abilities.

 _It’s time to show the world!_ he thought enthusiastically. _Prepare yourself, world, here comes Kim Jaehwan!_

Then he turned to look at Sewoon wearing a face mask with a huge “X” on it, and he burst out in a fit of uncontrollable giggles that lasted mercilessly until his time ran out.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, things got difficult pretty quickly.

Jaehwan wasn’t a dancer. In his four years of training in his past company, he was set to debut in a _rock_ band (in which sadly, debut plans fell through and in the end they disbanded). Dancing was _not_ his forte.

So when all 101 trainees were asked to learn a super hard choreography in just a mere _three days_ , Jaehwan knew he was completely and utterly fucked.

But he kept trying. Telling himself that _he could do this. He could do this._

On the third day, he broke down.

It was nearly midnight and he was still in the practice room with other B-class trainees. Some had already left. Daniel and Youngmin stayed behind to offer help to those who needed it. There was still Sewoon, who wasn’t the best dancer but was still able to learn well.

More hours passed and everyone else was heading back to the dorm. Sewoon walked up to him, looking worried.

“Hyung,” he said, putting a hand on Jaehwan’s shoulder. “You should rest now.”

Jaehwan tried to keep his voice steady as he replied, “It’s okay. I’ll stay for a bit more. You go on ahead, Sewoonie.”

Sewoon furrowed his brow. “I’ll stay. I’ll accompany you.”

“No.” There was something in Jaehwan’s voice that made Sewoon tense. “I’m fine, really. I can concentrate better when I’m alone. You also need to get some rest.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am.”

Sewoon still didn’t look like he wanted to leave.

“I’ll only be here for another half hour,” Jaehwan said quickly, already feeling bad about lying to Sewoon.

Finally the younger boy sighed. “Okay. Fine. Another half hour, okay? You really need to get some rest too, hyung.”

And then Sewoon left with the other trainees.

 

 

Jaehwan returned to the dorms a few hours later. He had practiced for a solid three hours but broke down when he still couldn’t get the movements right. When the tears started falling down his face, he knew that he needed to rest. He left the practice room with a heavy heart, walking alone to the dorms in the dead of night.

 _Is this the end?_ he thought as he walked. The wind seemed colder and harsher, as if stabbing him. His big winter coat didn’t seem to offer any protection at all. _Because it feels like the end._

Minutes later, he made it to the dorms.

He froze when he saw Sewoon standing outside of their shared room. The younger of the two was leaning against the wall near the door, wearing a white T-shirt and long black pants, hair messy as if he had just woken up.

They stared at each other for a couple seconds. Sewoon looked at him with a hard face. Jaehwan hoped that his eyes weren’t still red from crying.

“An hour ago,” Sewoon began. “I woke up. I made the mistake of falling asleep.”

Jaehwan couldn’t say anything. Sewoon continued.

“I was wondering if you were already asleep or not. I checked your bed. You weren’t there. I woke up the others, asking them where you were. Gwanghyun, Youngmin-hyung, and Donghyun-hyung... They all looked confused. They didn’t know where you were either.”

Jaehwan bowed his head, unable to look at his friend anymore.

“I was so worried, hyung. The others were so worried too. I almost went straight to the practice room, but decided to wait, hoping for you to show up soon.” There was a pause. “And now it’s nearly 3 a.m.”

Jaehwan could only stare at the ground.

“I would have stayed with you.” Sewoon’s voice was soft. “I would have helped you learn the choreo. I’m not that good myself but I could have at least helped a little.”

“I know,” Jaehwan finally spoke, his voice barely a whisper. “I know you would have.”

He wondered what expression Sewoon had on his face. Jaehwan kept staring at the floor, unable to make eye contact. Then there was a rustling movement as youngest of the two stood up, and Jaehwan wondered if his friend was going to leave right there.

Seconds later, Jaehwan felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into a gentle hug.

“Jaehwanie-hyung, I’m not angry,” Sewoon said, his tone unbelievably soft. “I was just worried. I wasn’t trying to scold you.”

Jaehwan then felt a warm hand patting the back of his head in comfort.

“You’ve worked hard, hyung. Everything will be okay.”

And then he burst out in tears, voice muffled as he sobbed into Sewoon’s shoulder. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was surprising how weeks went by so quickly.

Despite never being in the same team, Jaehwan and Sewoon grew closer. They had their own ways.

 

 

They’d see each other during small break times, monitoring each other’s practice sessions.

 

 

They’d swap guitars for no apparent reason. Jaehwan would sometimes practice with Sewoon’s guitar, and visa versa.

One does not simply trust another person with their instrument. Sewoon knew how precious Jaehwan’s  guitar was. It had been with him for years since his school days, afterwards enduring the days of _Korea’s Got Talent, God’s Voice,_ and now _Produce 101_. It had also accompanied the older boy through nights and nights of busking. So when Sewoon felt the familiar and comfortable weight of Jaehwan’s Larrivee guitar in his hands, he couldn’t help but smile.

 

 

During the position evaluation, they watched each other’s performances meticulously. When Jaehwan hit the high note in _Downpour_ and trainees started crying, Sewoon thought about how lucky he was to have met him.

 

 

They got even more comfortable with each other. Sewoon realized this as Jaehwan lightly slapped Innisfree clay mask all over his cheeks.

“Do you even know what you’re doing?” Sewoon asked, as Jaehwan added another layer.

Jaehwan just nodded as he continued to slather the clay all over his friend’s face. “Of course. Trust hyung.”

Minutes passed and Sewoon looked in the mirror. “Hmm…” he said thoughtfully. Then he seized a bottle of the clay mask, pouring a rather scary amount into the palm of his hand. “Okay, Jaehwanie-hyung. Now it’s my turn.”

“Why does it sound like you’re going to get revenge on me or something.”

Sewoon just smiled sweetly. “What makes you say that, hyung?” And Jaehwan yelped as Sewoon grabbed his face.

 

 

 

There was one particular moment that Sewoon remembered, and he was sure he was never going to forget it.

It was the crack of dawn, and Sewoon woke up to the sound of singing.

The voices (at least two of them) were sweet.  They were familiar to his ears. He also heard the faint sound of a guitar being played. He slowly got out of bed, wiping the sleep from his eyes. Some of his roommates were already awake, and they also seemed to be listening.

Seconds passed before he recognized the song. It was _Western Sky_ by Lee Seungchul.

“Good morning,” Sewoon said drowsily. He then got up, washed his face, and slipped out the door to look for the source of the music.

By the time he reached the room where the singing came from, a crowd of around five trainees had already gathered outside the closed door. One of them was Jaehwan.

“Jaehwanie-hyung,” Sewoon called, walking up to his friend.

Jaehwan was leaning against the wall across the door, blinking a few times as he turned to see a familiar face. “Sewoonie!” He grinned. His hair was a mess, and just like Sewoon, he was still in his sleepwear. “Good morning.”

“You came to hear the singing too, huh?”

“Yup. Beautiful, huh? Just like a mini concert.”

Sewoon smiled. He closed his eyes, letting the music wash over his ears. “That’s Woodam-hyung. Hwiseung-hyung. And…” He focused on the last voice until he pinpointed it. “…Kiwon-hyung.”

“Bingo,” Jaehwan said.

“They’re amazing.”

“Very.”

The singing continued. Sewoon wondered if the vocalists were aware of the growing audience right outside their door. He leaned against the wall next to his friend. The atmosphere was so nice, making him feel somewhat nostalgic.

“Sewoonie,” Jaehwan said.

“Yes, hyung?”

“This reminds me of the days when we would sing together… you know, during break times between classes.”

Sewoon smiled. “I was thinking the same thing, actually.” Eyes still closed, he pictured himself and Jaehwan near the Applied Music department at Howon, singing with their friends as they waited for their next class. They would also sometimes meet up after classes, performing songs while the moon hung high in the sky. Jaehwan and Sewoon would take turns playing the guitar.

“Really?” Jaehwan asked.

“Yeah.” Sewoon opened his eyes to see his friend looking at him. “The truth is, a lot of things remind me of our life at Gunsan. Like the moment we sang _Hug Me_ together during that small karaoke session with the other trainees.”

“Reminds you of when we go to karaoke places together with our campus buddies, huh?”

Sewoon lightly laughed. “Exactly.” He remembered how one of their classmates would get mad drunk in the karaoke room. That certain classmate would flail around and sing so loudly that people would pass by and wonder what sort of monstrosity was going on inside.

 _Were we singing Hug Me **with** each other or **to** each other? _ Sewoon had wondered, but didn’t say.

“And just having breakfast, lunch, and dinner here. Reminds me of the cafeteria back at our department,” Jaehwan said.

Sewoon nodded. “You still eat like a kid, hyung. Either there or here, you’re still the same.”

“Eating is a beautiful hobby,” Jaehwan said simply.

“I guess we can agree on that.” Sewoon let out a content sigh.

His friend was smiling warmly. “It’s peaceful. This atmosphere is so peaceful.”

And Sewoon agreed. “It turns out that in the midst of all of the chaos going on, there are still small little peaceful moments like this. It’s… It’s really nice.”

The words must have really meant something for Jaehwan. It took him a full minute to answer. “You’re right.” Then it was his turn to let out a satisfied sigh. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Sewoon nodded. He knew the song _Western Sky_ well. The song was nearing its end, and he felt a slight pang of sadness. “They sing really well,” he said.  “They sing beautifully. It’s sad that they couldn’t choose vocals for the position evaluation.”

“They’re main vocal material and deserve to perform what they love best,” Jaehwan said, sadness also clear in his voice. “But unfortunately, things aren’t that fair. We’re lucky, Sewoonie. We should be thankful that people voted for us enough that we could choose our position.”

Sewoon understood. He understood quite well. Every week, he would always wonder if he was being good enough for the viewers. He was grateful for the support they sent him so far.

“I hope they make it past the next elimination,” Sewoon said. “Their vocals are too good to pass up. And they’re very nice hyungs.”

Jaehwan agreed one hundred percent. “They’ll make it,” he said. “I’m sure they will."

 

 

\---

 

 

The second elimination took place.

Hwiseung and Kiwon didn’t make it, along with Gwanghyun, Insoo, and Sangbin.

Sewoon hugged his Starship friend while Jaehwan comforted the independent trainees.

A lot of things happened. But amidst the heartbreak that Jaehwan and Sewoon felt at seeing their friends eliminated, one thing became even clearer on that day: they would fear for their rankings even more and more.

 

Days later, they watched the video message from their parents. The second that Jaehwan saw his mother and father’s faces, he felt Sewoon wrap an arm around his shoulders, comforting him.

Their will to debut grew desperately stronger.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**16 th of June, 2017**

 

It was the moment of truth. _The_ moment.

Twenty trainees, only eleven would make it.

BoA had finished announcing the seventh rank, and Jaehwan’s heart fell.

 _The highest rank I got was seventh,_ he thought. _And I fell to thirteen last week._

But he kept hoping. Maybe… Just maybe…

Minutes passed.

It was already time for the fourth rank. Hope was slipping from his fingers.

_There’s still the eleventh rank. Maybe that’ll be my seat. Please…_

“Now for the fourth trainee...” BoA said, her voice loud across the whole studio. There was another long and suspenseful pause before she continued, “Among the trainees who 'captured' the National Producers' hearts, he is a trainee who sang most of the major parts and showed his improving presence.”

_Even if I don’t get that last seat, it’s okay. You did your best, Kim Jaehwan. After this you can find a proper job and help your parents. Maybe even do another survival program or—_

“Individual trainee, Kim Jaehwan!” BoA announced.

_Wait, what._

He couldn’t think. His jaw dropped.

_WHAT._

Was he mishearing things? What was going on? While he stared blankly into the unknown, he felt arms around him, heard shouts of congratulations. His friends were smiling widely as they embraced him, shaking his shoulders. He could barely register anything in his jumbled up brain, but he saw Hyungseob and Youngmin next to him.

_WHAT WHAT WHAT._

More trainees appeared to congratulate him. Sungwoon, Samuel, Daniel. Everyone was around him.

And then he realized the familiar touch of someone’s hand on his back. Sewoon.

He somehow got ahold of himself. “Me?” he gasped. “Me? _Me?”_

 

 

Smiling and laughing, Sewoon gripped tightly onto Jaehwan’s arm.

 _Oh, this hyung,_ Sewoon thought, chest filled with joy. _He’s still in disbelief._

Jaehwan, still pointing dumbfounded at himself, continued asking, “ _Me?_ _Really?”_

And then Sewoon gave him an encouraging push from behind. And with that, Jaehwan finally began walking to the stage, to where his chair as a member of Wanna One awaited him.

 

 

The moment Jaehwan sat down, his eyes focused on Sewoon, his entire body filled with worry.

 _Sewoonie,_ he thought, pleading in his head. _Please come here. Please._

 

 

Sewoon didn’t make it.

Jaehwan felt disconnected from the world as he descended the steps of the Top 11 seats, getting closer and closer to his friend.

Sewoon was smiling as he held out his arms. “Hyung!”

Jaehwan gave Sewoon a small nod before pulling him into a hug.

“Congratulations, hyung. I’m so happy for you.”

 _Why can’t you show how sad you are?_ Jaehwan wanted to say.  But instead he said, “You were amazing, Jung Sewoon. And you always will be.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Sewoon returned the hug, hands unbelievably soft. “You can finally debut.”

 _But you were supposed to debut with me,_ Jaehwan thought. _Both of us. Together._

 

 

 

The live broadcast finally ended.

Jaehwan had walked around a bit as trainees embraced and congratulated him. But he kept checking on Sewoon, worried. The younger boy had the same smile plastered on his face as he roamed around the stage, waving at the crowd and hugging his friends.

It was ten minutes after all the cameras were turned off.  Sewoon was staring at the ceiling, standing in a sort of daze. Then BoA and Seokhoon approached him.

Seokhoon put a comforting hand on Sewoon’s shoulder and said a few words to him. Sewoon nodded, tears stinging at his eyes. BoA patted the 12th rank trainee softly on the head, telling him that he did a great job and that more opportunities would come.

Tears began to blur his vision. “Thank you,” Sewoon said, trying to keep his voice steady but failing. “Thank you.”

 

 

Jaehwan saw it all. He stood a couple meters away from Sewoon, but he saw it all.

After Seokhoon and BoA left to comfort other trainees, he took it as his cue. Jaehwan walked up to Sewoon until they were standing face to face.

They stared at each other for a bit. Sewoon tried to wipe his eyes. Jaehwan was silent.

Then Jaehwan held out his hand, and only a second passed before Sewoon grabbed onto it gently.

Together they walked, the older of the two leading until they were finally backstage. Jaehwan led his friend to an empty spot.

And then he let go of Sewoon’s hand.

“Hyung…”

“You were waiting for the cameras to turn off, weren’t you?”

Sewoon said nothing.

“You didn’t want your fans to see you sad?”

There was a pause before Sewoon slowly nodded.

Jaehwan’s voice softened as he said, “Did you also not want me to see you sad?”

Another pause. Sewoon nodded again.

And then Jaehwan pulled his friend into another hug, and this time he didn’t want to let go. “You don’t have to hold yourself back. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. If you want to cry, just cry. I’m here.” He tightened the embrace. “I’m here.”

Seconds passed before he heard Sewoon’s unsteady, shaken breathing.

And then Sewoon was crying in his arms. The younger of the two let out stifled sobs as he buried his face in Jaehwan’s shoulder.

“I was almost there, hyung,” Sewoon’s usually calm voice was shaking and sounded so fragile. “I was so close.”

“I know,” Jaehwan said softly.

“I almost debuted, hyung.”

Jaehwan nodded, holding his friend close.

“It hurts more because I wanted to debut with you, hyung. We almost debuted together. _Almost._ We could have dormed together. Sang together. Performed together. It would have been great.”

Sewoon clung desperately onto him, arms trembling against Jaehwan’s back.

“It really would have. I wanted to debut with you too, Sewoonie.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfill the promise we made back at the playground.” Sewoon’s voice was so quiet that Jaehwan almost didn’t hear his words.

Jaehwan shook his head. “Don’t say that. Don’t think like that.”

“I’m so sorry, hyung.”

“You have _nothing_ to be sorry about.” Jaehwan quickly changed the topic, grabbing onto anything that might help. “I’m grateful we finally got to perform together.”

He could feel Sewoon smiling against his shoulder. “Hyung. Your dancing really improved.” The younger boy’s voice was unsteady as he answered. “I was blown away seeing you dance to _Hands on Me_.”

“Why, thank you. I myself couldn’t imagine you doing such a concept.”

Sewoon laughed. It was a shaky laugh. “Surprised? Thank Daniel-hyung and Woojin for the choreo.”

“Gosh, I was wondering ‘where did the cute and innocent Jung Sewoon go?’”

Another laugh. Jaehwan smiled. It felt great to finally be in the same team as Sewoon. He remembered how he was sitting on the floor during one of their practice breaks, leaning heavily against the wall when Sewoon walked up to him with tired eyes and then proceeded to lay down on his lap. As if it was the most natural thing in the world. 

Sewoon's voice brought him back to the current moment. “It was also fun singing _Always_. I really liked harmonizing with you on that high note, hyung.”

“Our high note slayed everyone’s existence.”

“Yeah…”

There was a pause.

“Jaehwanie-hyung. I want to sing with you more.”

“Me too, Sewoonie. Me too.”

And then Sewoon let out another choked sob, and Jaehwan stayed with him until the tears dried up.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

**2 nd of July, 2017 **

It seemed as if the sound of the roaring crowd stretched on for miles. The cheering grew louder and louder. Thirty-five trainees waited eagerly backstage, adrenaline coursing through their veins. It was time for the encore. This would be their final performance as Produce 101 contestants. Their final performance together. After this, it was back to their own paths.

Two out of those thirty-five trainees were Jung Sewoon and Kim Jaehwan.

The younger of the two held out his hand with a smile. “Let’s go, hyung.”

Jaehwan took the hand and gripped onto it. He couldn’t stop grinning. “Let’s.”

And all thirty-five trainees poured onto the stage.

 

 

If Sewoon could record one moment and etch it into his memory with precise detail, it would be this one. He wanted to remember the feel of Jaehwan’s hand in his as they waved at the crowd. Wanted to remember the way they swung their hands together like little children. Wanted to remember the concentrated look on Jaehwan’s face as he sang, sweet vocals filling the entire hall.

They seemed lost in their own little world. They stood at the side of the other trainees, Sewoon cracking lame jokes about dancing. Jaehwan laughed and lightly smacked him.

They quickly focused on the song again and sang their part, backs against each other.

Then all thirty-five trainees launched into the familiar choreography of _Me, It’s Me_. Sewoon remembered how Jaehwan used to have such a hard time with that certain song’s choreography, but now he was doing it effortlessly. Of course Kim Jaehwan wasn’t the best dancer ever, but Sewoon liked the way his friend danced. It was the Jaehwan-style. A style that Sewoon liked.

The song ended with them side by side, Jaehwan’s hand resting comfortably on Sewoon’s shoulder.

Looking at his friend, the younger boy asked rather playfully, “Hyung, you’re not gonna cry?”

Jaehwan turned to look at him. “Hm?” The cheers from the audience were deafening.

Sewoon leaned in to repeat into his friend’s ear, louder this time, “Hyung, you’re not gonna cry?”

Jaehwan laughed in a _“nope, not this time”_ kind of way.

The song had ended, bringing a sense of finality to everything. This would be the last time that they sang together— at least for a while.

 

 

 ---

 

 

It was funny. They were looking for a place to sit and rest their tired legs. Still wearing their white dress shirts and ties from the encore performance, they both didn't feel like returning to the dressing rooms just yet. Somehow, they wanted to delay their farewells for as long as they could.

Plus, Jaehwan had some things he wanted to tell his friend. And it wasn’t things that he could risk being disturbed. He needed someplace isolated, someplace quiet…

And lo and behold, there was the perfect place backstage.

There were crates piled up high at about Sewoon’s height. The crates were stacked next to each other, near the corner of the hall, that it formed a sort of fort. They didn’t see anyone hanging around there.

“I think we could actually crawl inside,” Jaehwan said, as he poked his head in a gap between the crates. “It’s actually quite roomy.”

“These crates are filled with equipment,” Sewoon observed. “Probably stage equipment.”

“Reminds me of building blanket forts when I was young.”

“Those were fun. But seriously, why here?”

“Come on!” Jaehwan said, his voice giddy with excitement. He ducked into the space between the crates, finding a good spot to sit down.

Confused and somewhat amused, Sewoon followed him. He plopped down on the floor next to his friend. They both leaned against the wall, just taking in the sound of the bustling crowd. The audience was going home, and soon so would Jaehwan and Sewoon.

“This is actually pretty nice,” Sewoon said, looking around at their little ‘fort’.

“I know right? It’s pretty roomy too.”

“If roomy means able to fit a maximum of four people, yes.”

“Roomy enough for us, though.”

“I guess so.”

They listened to the surrounding sounds for a bit, their legs sprawled out in front of them, letting the physical numbness go away.

Finally, Sewoon let out a long, tired sigh.

“I guess this is it,” he said.

Jaehwan nodded. “I guess this is it.”

“I don’t think we’ll be able to see each other much after this. You’ll be super super busy.”

“ _You’ll_ be super super busy too. I’m sure Starship has many plans for you too, Sewoonie.”

“I hope so, hyung. I hope so.”

Silence filled the air.

“I’ll really miss you, hyung.”

Jaehwan turned to look at his friend. Sewoon had his gaze fixed at a spot in the distance, not making eye contact.

Jaehwan saw the sadness in Sewoon’s eyes; saw the way his lips curled in a slight frown.

It was time to tell him.

Jaehwan took a deep breath, freaking out a little inside but trying hard to appear calm. “Sewoonie,” he finally said.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Eighteen months from now, I’m going to join Starship.”

Sewoon blinked as if snapping out of a daze. He turned to stare at Jaehwan, brow knit in confusion. “You’re _what?_ ”

“Joining Starship,” Jaehwan repeated.

“Are you serious?”

“I’m hoping that Starship has some interest in me. Hopefully they’ll ask me to join. Won’t they be interested in someone who’s been in Wanna One? If not, then I’ll do it the old fashion way and audition.”

“You’re not just saying this to make me feel better, right?”

Jaehwan shook his head with a laugh. “No, I really mean it.”

“But you told BoA-sunbaenim that you wanted to join SM.”

“That… was a spur of the moment thing. But after days of careful thinking and consideration, I made up my mind. And it’s to go to Starship.”

Sewoon was speechless. Jaehwan wondered when was the last time he saw Sewoon look so surprised.

“That’s… That’s awesome, hyung,” Sewoon finally said, a smile growing on his face. “That’s really awesome.” And then he leaned forwards, wrapping his arms around his friend. “Really, I don’t know what to say.”

Jaehwan hugged him back. “Wait for me. I’ll be there in eighteen months.”

“Eighteen months is such a long time.”

“It may seem like that. But I’m sure you’ll be busy with your own thing. Maybe you’ll debut as a solo artist.”

“That would be fun,” Sewoon said thoughtfully.

“But when I get there, we could be a duo. Or maybe a group. Anything is fine.”

“We can debut together,” Sewoon said, and Jaehwan could imagine the smile on his friend’s face.

“Yes,” the older of the two said, smiling widely as well. “We can debut together. And we’ll sing songs together and perform together. Just like today. We’ll dorm together, maybe share rooms. And—” Jaehwan tightened the hug. “We’ll be together. Jung Sewoon.” His voice started shaking, heart hammering against his chest. “I like you. I like you so much.”

Once the words left his mouth, he knew how right they felt, as if they always belonged in the air between him and Sewoon. He only wished that he had said them earlier, a long time ago.

Silence fell. The arms around Jaehwan slackened, just a little bit.

“When I wrote the song _Don’t Misunderstand_ ,” Sewoon muttered. “I was just pouring out what was on my mind. But…” He was resting his chin on Jaehwan’s shoulder. “I was still confused and unsure of my own feelings.”

Sewoon’s voice grew softer as he continued.

“Then it turns out that we were both crazy enough to sign up for Produce 101. And in those crazy and stressful days, we’d always somehow see each other. Despite even not being on the same team, we’d still see each other. We’d talk. We’d play around. We’d get nostalgic once in a while. And…” Sewoon suddenly stopped, as if wondering how to say the next words. “I’d always enjoy those moments. They made me happy. Very happy. And I realized that I kept wanting to see you more. To be with you more.”

Jaehwan felt Sewoon pulling him closer, soft breath brushing against his ear.

“Those little moments,” Sewoon said. “And even the moments when we’re not together. All of them confirmed how I felt. Now I’m completely sure when I say this.” He leaned heavily into the hug. “I like you too, hyung. For quite a long time, actually.”

Jaehwan smiled, heart beating so fast he was sure it’d burst.

“My song _Don’t Misunderstand_ was about you. Please tell me you at least figured that out by now.”

Jaehwan suddenly pulled away, looking slightly offended. “Of course, I did! I’m not _that_ dense!”

Sewoon laughed. “Well, did you like it?”

Jaehwan could have launched into an endless narrative of how much he loved the self-composed song. It would take hours to explain it all. Maybe even a day. But instead, he reached out, placing his hands on Sewoon’s cheeks.

There was a slight pause before he pinched them, and Sewoon winced.

“Ouch. Hyung. What the heck?”

But Jaehwan didn’t stop there. He brought Sewoon’s cheeks together, squishing them. Then he pulled at them, like a kid who had discovered the most amazing thing ever.

“Really, Jaehwanie-hyung. What are you doing?”

The older of the two just smiled before he leaned in, slightly tilting his head.

Hands now cupping Sewoon’s face, Jaehwan kissed him. It was as gentle as he imagined it would be, but even better. He could feel Sewoon’s hand caressing the back of his neck, bringing him closer.

When they finally pulled apart, he mumbled, “That’s how much I loved your song. And will continue loving it. It should be my morning alarm, really.” That earned him another laugh from Sewoon. “Thank you. My adorable little Ponyo, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, hyung.”

“Also, when I sang _Skyfall_ , I think I was singing to you.”

“Really now?” Sewoon leaned his head against Jaehwan’s shoulder.

“Yeah. I got a little emotional. The lyrics really expressed how I felt.”

“Relatable, huh?”

“Very veeeery relatable.”

Sewoon smiled. He wrapped his fingers around Jaehwan’s hand. Then he cleared his throat and sang, “ _Face it all together, at skyfall.”_

Jaehwan knew how much he was going to miss that soft, sweet voice. But at the moment, he just wanted to feel the moment. He closed his eyes, leaning his head against Sewoon’s, their hair brushing against each other.

They would have stayed like that for hours, but when they started hearing the sound of footsteps coming their way, they quickly scrambled out of their little ‘fort’ before anyone could notice.

 

 

\---

 

 

An hour later, they waved their goodbyes, holding onto the promise of debuting together.

They could wait.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess this should be considered as an alternate universe story in which Jaehwan doesn't join CJ E&M? :")
> 
> __
> 
> also here's some videos because why not:
> 
> * [Jaehwan during Sewoon's 12th rank speech](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jItOz3W_3Yk)
> 
> * [Sewoon hitting the high note in _Always_ with Jaehwan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWNQxzIej3w)
>    
> 
> * [Jaehwan & Sewoon holding hands and doing other adorable things at the Top 35 concert encore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNMh6nn4vn4)
> 
> * [Woodam, Hwiseung, and Kiwon's beautiful _Western Sky_ cover](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2DSOxJIx2YjamszRGthanlOWnc/view?usp=sharing)
>   
> __________
> 
>    
> fun fact:  
> I wrote both this and my previous howons story weeks ago (before the first episode of Wanna One GO, before Sewoon's debut announcement, before Wanna One's debut, before the announcement that Jaehwan signed a contract with CJ E&M for his post-Wanna One career).
> 
> So I'm pretty shook that Sewoon's going to debut solo ahaha :"") and yeah I really wished that Jaehwan went to Starship instead because I would have loved howons to be a duo or debut in a group together... But as long as it was Jaehwan's choice to go to CJ E&M and he's happy with it, then it's okay :")
> 
> LET'S ALWAYS SUPPORT THESE TWO ADORABLE FLUFFBALLS THAT ARE JUNG SEWOON AND KIM JAEHWAN, OKAY OKAY ^_^
> 
>    
> \--
> 
> ((also, feel free to drop a comment and we can cry and scream about howons together))
> 
>  
> 
> \---
> 
> you can also find me on twitter :) → [@myday_blackrose](https://twitter.com/myday_blackrose)


End file.
